When you start thinking that way---when you start idealizing the person and seeing him as the answer to your prayers---you’re getting caught up in an illusion, a powerful and dangerous illusion. The reason the new person seems so perfect, so much the opposite of your spouse, is because he’s…new. He’s a blank slate. He has no baggage, no awful family members you have to put up with. He hasn’t embarrassed you in public, or snapped at you, or called you stupid. (Not yet, anyway). You’ve never seen him when he’s sick or depressed or in a foul mood. He always finds you fascinating and can listen to you for hours. And he’s always hot to see you and never fails to please.

Too good to be true? Unfortunately, yes. This person may well have some great qualities, but I guarantee you he or she has some less-desirable ones as well. And even those great qualities may be hard to sustain over time. Just like sex in marriage, sex in an affair can go stale, and when it does it can leave you in a worse state than when you started: “I risked everything for this?” (Or, more tragically, “I lost everything for this?”)

If you’re not getting what you need in your marriage, the solution is not to look elsewhere, nor is it to suffer in silence. The solution is to confront your problems, to figure out how things went wrong, and to work with your spouse to get your marriage back on track. You may need to forget about a quick fix and be satisfied with small steps in the right direction. And as I’ve said in previous articles, you may also need help in the form of marriage counseling or couples’ enrichment workshops or retreats.

Fixing a marriage is tough work, but if you wait until after you’ve had an affair---or after the affair has been discovered---there’ll be an awful lot more to fix. If you’re seriously tempted to have an affair, stop and ask yourself what you’re really looking for. Chances are, it’s something that, in your heart of hearts, you’d rather be getting at home than in a motel room. And I’m not just talking about sex.

Big Blend Radio - Jim Duzak was a featured guest on Ultimate Living radio on June 13, 2010. To listen to the entire show, please click here. To listen to Jim's interview, please click here.