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What I Wish I Had Known Part Two: Sex & Intimacy By Jim Duzak, the 'Attorney at Love' & Author of 'Mid-Life Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment'
I said last time that most of what I’ve learned about marriage I’ve learned the hard way. And the hard way for me usually means that it was hard for someone else, too. My first marriage could probably have been saved if I had known some things then that I know now (and if, of course, I had cared enough to apply that knowledge).
My first article in this series had to do with conflict in general. This article deals with a subject that’s often the cause of conflict. I’m talking about sex, particularly the interplay between sex and affection.
It’s troubling that something that should be a couple’s greatest delight---something that should bond two people like nothing else can---is so often a source of frustration and unhappiness. But that’s the case with sex. If you talk to people who have been married a while, you get the sense that no one is satisfied with their sex life. The wife wants it when the husband doesn’t. The husband wants it when the wife doesn’t. The husband spends hours on porn sites and ignores the real-life woman lying in bed next to him. One partner craves oral sex, the other hates providing it. Both partners are too tired, or too bored, to bother going through the motions, and when they do they’re fantasizing about someone else.
And I’m not even talking here about erectile dysfunction, low
testosterone levels, post-menopausal dryness, and numerous other
conditions that are medical in nature. As bad as these conditions are,
they’re often made worse by denial, avoidance, and depression, and they
can quickly turn a good marriage into a nightmare.
Probably half the married couples in this country are essentially
roommates who file joint tax returns. On the relatively rare occasions
when they do have sex, it’s neither with a sense of anticipation
beforehand or satisfaction afterward. It’s just one more chore that can
be crossed off the to-do list. (OK, I’m exaggerating, but not much).
So, what can be done to improve the sex lives of married couples? To be
sure, some problems do require psychological help or medical treatment.
But normally, I would start with something that costs nothing, requires
no special skills, can be done anywhere, and makes both people feel good
right away: touching the other person in a loving but non-sexual way.
Men, in particular, need to understand that good sex requires foreplay,
and that foreplay should ideally begin long before the couple gets into
bed. But I’m not referring to the kind of foreplay taught by sex
therapists, important though it may be. I’m talking about the kind of
foreplay that permeates every waking moment the couple is together: the
kind of foreplay that’s expressed with the eyes, the tone of voice, and
especially with the hands.
To women, there’s no
bigger turnoff than a
man suddenly demanding
sex after ignoring her
all evening. She may
give him what he wants
but she’ll resent it,
and she’ll remember it
next time. And if it
continues too long,
eventually there won’t
be a next time.
Men need to understand
that the pushier they
are in demanding sex,
the less likely it is
they’ll get it.
If a man is at home with
his wife, he’s got to
make it a habit to
recognize her and to
show affection toward
her. He can do this by
looking her in the eyes
when she speaks to him;
by smiling once in a
while; by complimenting
her on something and
using a nice tone of
voice when he does it;
and by touching her in a
way that says he’s happy
to be sharing some time
and space with a good
woman like her.
Gently touching his
wife’s arms or shoulders
as he passes by her in
the kitchen, letting his
hand rest on her knee
while they watch TV
together, giving her a
foot massage after she’s
had a tough day at work,
are small but
unmistakable signs of
attention and affection.
And believe me: if a man
takes care of the
affection, the sex will
take care of itself.
But wives, too, need to
pay attention to the
“foreplay”, in a way
that a husband can
relate to. It’s often
said that men are visual
creatures, and that’s
true, especially when it
comes to sex. A wife who
wants her husband to
desire her sexually
should give him visual
cues that she’s in a
mood for romance. A man
will always notice when
his wife has sexy nails
or is showing a little
skin. Loose-fitting
sweats may be
comfortable, but
something more
figure-enhancing may be
what’s called for, even
if the figure itself is
not what it used to be.
(Women might be
surprised to know that
men often prefer the
look of a plus-sized
woman to that of a
runway model).
The other thing that
both husbands and wives
can do to enhance their
sex life is to kiss more
often. I’m not talking,
though, about the
quick-peck-on-the-cheek-on-the-way-out-the-door
kind of kiss. I’m
talking about the kind
of sweet, lingering
kisses that couples have
when they’re in the
early stages of romance,
but which seem to
disappear even before
the sex does. Well,
maybe one reason the sex
disappears is that the
kissing already has.
There’s something about
kissing that is even
more intimate than sex,
and married couples
shouldn’t be embarrassed
to express the kind of
intimacy, feelings, and
love that can only be
expressed in a kiss.
And without intimacy,
feelings, and love, any
sex you get is not going
to be the sex you want,
or the sex you need. So,
with Valentine’s Day
approaching, consider
giving your spouse or
lover the gift of touch
and the gift of a
passionate kiss. If you
do, each day (as the old
song says) will be
Valentine’s Day. For
both of you.
Jim Duzak on Big Blend
Radio Discussing Sex &
Intimacy, Jim Duzack
'Attorney at Love' was a
featured guest on Big
Blend Radio's 'Champagne
Sundays' radio show
which aired live on
Feb. 7, 2010. To
listen to his interview,
please double click the
play button below.
Jim
Duzak- Known as the 'Attorney at
Love', Jim is a divorce lawyer and mediator, relationship coach and
counselor, former dating service owner and the author of 'Mid-Life
Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment'. Learn more at
www.AttorneyatLove.com
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What I Wish I Had Known
