The Office Spouse
A Cautionary Tale

By Jim Duzak, the 'Attorney at Love' & Author of 'Mid-Life Divorce and the Rebirth of Commitment'

It’s no secret that workplace affairs can be as dangerous to careers as they are to marriages. It’s also no secret that workplace affairs happen all the time. Men and women work side-by-side in greater numbers these days than ever before, and often spend more time at work than they do at home. When familiarity, opportunity, and temptation come together, some people will cross the line and risk everything. And, inevitably, some of them will lose everything.

Others won’t necessarily be looking for trouble, but they’ll unconsciously gravitate toward a work colleague of the opposite sex who seems attractive, compatible, and fun. They’ll find themselves having lunch together a lot, or lingering to chat after they’ve finished their work-related discussion. They probably see eye-to-eye on office politics, and feel comfortable sharing their opinions about their boss and other difficult people they work with.  

All of that is perfectly normal. We need human contact in our jobs, and we like to feel we’re not alone in the way we respond to workplace issues and personalities. But there are dangers in having what’s called an “office spouse.” The obvious one is allowing the relationship to become too personal. If you aren’t careful, it’s easy for the conversation to segue from issues in your jobs to issues in your marriages. Before you know it, the two of you can become a mutual support-group, sharing marital stories that are all-too-intimate, and meeting for drinks after work to discuss them in a more relaxed atmosphere.

The likelihood of crossing the line becomes even greater when one of you is married and the other one isn’t---especially when the unmarried person is a woman. A married man and an unmarried woman is an unbalanced and potentially dangerous combination. Although women always say they will never get involved with a married man, the truth is that if they know the man already---as a colleague or friend---and learn that he’s unhappily married, becoming involved with him sexually doesn’t have quite the same stigma attached. Initially, at least, it can seem like a normal extension of their existing relationship.

If you can keep it focused on workplace issues, an office spouse relationship can be a wonderful thing (I know; I’ve had a few over the years). But in my divorce practice I saw far too many marriages that were ruined by something that began at work in a supposedly innocent way. So, proceed with extreme caution, and never ignore the red flags.

Big Blend Radio - Jim Duzak was a featured guest on The Success Express radio on July 26, 2010. To listen to Jim's interview, please click here.